INMATES AT THE ASYLUM
by Sam Bellotto Jr.
The question I have been asking myself a lot lately, oxymoronic as it may seem at first glance, is that are too many crossword puzzle constructors in truth anti-intellectual, uneducated loners? Statements I hear dogmatically repeated over and over again from certain quarters bear this out, causing me to shake my head in wonderment.
   A colleague of mine in this game calls it "the party line." It is much like that.
   First and foremost, the reason they cite for abandoning open grids where entries elegantly flow into each other in exchange for grids that are neatly sliced into quarters or fifths connected to each other by one or two squares is that this latter design affords them the ability to work with longer words.
   Nonsense. The beauty of the open grid with the required one-sixth or less black square count is that a clever constructor with a good grasp of the language can easily remove a pair of black squares here and there and make room for many longer, fresh and fun words.
   For goodness sake, what is uplifting about SO YOU SAY or THERE THERE NOW? Colorless idioms may be within the limited vocabulary of most people, but lack of crossword solvers has never been a problem. For some reason, those who champion the sectional grid designs with their low word and black square count (despite their unpopularity among solvers) also fiercely eschew language skills beyond the 12th grade level.
   Some time back I had a puzzle rejected because it included LAKE ITASCA which is, as anybody knows who has ventured beyond the world view of Rain Man, the source of the mighty Mississippi River. And for years the lovely ANOA has been kicked around mercilessly. Maybe residents of Peoria do not keep anoa as pets, but on Sulawesi island they are alive, kicking and famously studied. If you are lucky, one day you may visit a zoo and have the opportunity to see an anoa in the flesh, even get kicked by one.
   Rather we are treated to urban slang with entries like PHAT and YO DUDE sneaking their way into grids with increasing regularity. I've no real problem with that. I write a monthly crossword for a middle-grades music magazine which covers the hip-hop scene quite adequately. But truth be told, except for specialty markets, you aren't going to find too many gang-bangers dangling their bling-bling over the daily crossword page.
   My point is range—equality, if you will. Why the self-imposed restrictions which do not seem to include the aforementioned PHAT on one end but are curiously prejudiced against ANOA on the other? Unless certain constructors lack a basic liberal arts education?
   Themes have also been under the gun. Chief among the detractors of themes are the constructors who lean heavily upon "divided" grid designs. They claim returning to the pre-'50s themeless days of yore gives them a better word selection. I think it is an excuse to produce more computer-generated crosswords. Automatic filling software doesn't work well with thematic, open-grid diagrams. And they couldn't make a decent crossword by hand to save their miserable lives. If the creative process that is supposed to be the soul and breath of crosswords is so anathema to them, why don't they pursue a different line of work, like accounting or aluminum siding installation?
   The other excuse is that themes have been done to death and there is nothing new under the sun. Lame-o. See me forming a letter L with my fingers against my forehead? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that clever constructors can always come up with intriguing themes, either original or unique twists on theme territory that has been well-trodden. Nevertheless, when the theme is famous people with animal names or phrases based on body parts for the umpteenth time you wonder if these constructors aren't keeping the right halves of their brains in Mason jars on the shelf?
   Or … have the crossword groupies managed to slip through the gates? We all know what strange people rock 'n' roll groupies are. Imagine the havoc on the music scene if those groupies got access to instruments, recording studios, Top 40 radio stations? Crossword puzzle groupies must be an even stranger lot, to the point of scary. Have they snuck in?
   Something to have nightmares over. —July 18, 2006 

 

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